


Carrie the lesbian in her senior year of high school

by orphan_account



Series: CARRIE THE LESBIAN IN HER SENIOR YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL [1]
Category: LGBT - Fandom
Genre: Diary, Drama, High School, Lesbian Character, Multi, lesby, teenage
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-09
Updated: 2019-01-16
Packaged: 2019-07-10 03:42:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 9,386
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15941057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: This is the life of a teenaged girl that is troubled by so many things, including high school, friends, sexuality and social awkwardness. Carrie’s dreams are to get out of high school, study arts and become a teacher. This is her diary, which she considers to be holy.





	1. SEPTEMBER (1/4)

9th of September  
Okay I know this is a dairy but you won’t see me “Dear diary”-ing too often. Simply because I don’t like it, it’s out of fashion, and reminds me of the song with the same name by Britney Spears that is not even a good song. That being said, let me introduce myself a bit.  
I am Carrie-just like that bad bitch in the Stephen King book, I know, I do relate to her anger and she is an icon. I am basically a 17 y.o. lesbian-we will discuss my sexuality later on worry not- and i love making pop culture references, french fries and anything that allows me to disconnect from the real world. I wouldn’t really say I have one specific best friend, I don’t really fuck with people, I have other struggles. Now that being said- I will talk more about this mess of a human being I am during the existence of this diary- let’s talk about today.  
This is the last day before school starts. Woopie, right? I consider each summer break a loop I hide from people that I share no interests with, I guess you could say I’m a peculiar child (ha-ha your bitch read Ransom Riggs). But then again it’s just a chill Sunday, I may finish this science fiction book today- it’s so good I don’t want it to end, and of course prepare myself emotionally for school. Did I say it’s my last year of high school? It’s pretty dope to be able to finally be one of the big ones, but I don’t intend in any way to look down upon the little kids in school. I do sometimes steal their biscuits but I swear that’s all. Gosh I was a tiny human being myself sometime too.  
You may ask yourself why I don’t click with many people in my school. I do have friends in my class. I am just never their first option, and that’s okay.  
Hell, Mac Miller died and nobody in my class even knew who he was. I mean excuse me, how dare you say you never heard KIDS? I would just shut up, really.  
That being said, diary, I hope you will bare with me until the end, I will tell you everything that happens tomorrow on my last first day of school. I am supposed to get waffles with Rachel and Annie. I like them. They are nicer than half of the people I ever encountered in school, anyways.


	2. SEPTEMBER (2/4)

10th of September  
Today was first day of school. Honestly I didn’t even know we had to meet our teacher at 9:30, so i just showed up there for the official ceremony at 10. Rachel and Annie got bored soon after so we went and got waffles. They were a bit dry but whatever. It was just a usual first day of school, you see some of your classmates rocking new hairstyles that you would not think they would opt for, and then just the usual talk about our new classes and having to deal with all this studying again. I indend to finish the novel i began reading last week, and then maybe just chill a bit, tomorrow we have a very shitty schedule.

11th of September  
12:18am  
School is just rather dull. My favorite teacher is late to class, but that’s nothing new, i just want to see her though. I emailed her during summer break and I read one of the books she recommended me, I intend to ask her to recommend me some good movies as well. I wish I had something exciting to write here about today, but I don’t.  
4:10pm  
I am already feeling a bit exhausted today. I do have 2 tests next week but I am sure everything will go fine. Did you tell you that I am growing my own plants? Today I saw that my watermelon is 1cm. It’s about to be the first fruit that I ever harvest.

12th of September  
My philosophy teacher is a punk-addict with his gray hair in a low pony-tail. He took the time to get to know each other a bit and I was the person he talked most to during class. It was a bit weird when we talked about my favorite book (Ready Player One) my class suddenly quieted down and I assumed maybe I said some bullshit. I didn’t, thanks the gay lord. (I’m atheist so i feel weird saying “thanks god” so I just say “thanks the gay lord”- when i am around people that are aware of my sexuality however.  
I feel like so many things we disscus in class I already know because I read so much. I am not a big fan of anatomy or my Biology teacher in general, but I am willing to give genetics a try this year since I understand it way better than before- thanks to the themis files trilogy (I told my philosophy teacher that is one of my favorites as well).  
My parents quarrel a lot lately and I don’t know what to do about it. It is usually minor stuff, like how my mom always spends time cleaning and my dad sits on couch all day long watching TV. I don’t really want to get between their drama but at some point I will tell them that it bothers me.

13th of September  
Wow I envy people that can talk in a group and people actually pay attention to what ever shit they are saying. For me, it’s usually just like “hey do you ..” and then I get interrupted. It can get annoying a lot of the times I have something really exciting to say, but at least it’s only happening when I am in school.  
Rachel and Lola are coming over at my place tomorrow so we get ready for a festival in my town, I feel like a normal teenager for once. They are my good friends but I could never tell them I am a lesbian. They just wouldn’t treat me the same way and I know it. Also, I did have a boyfriend 3 years ago so people still assume I must be straight or something.  
I don’t really mind being closeted. Besides having to nod my head when girls talk about boys, I am doing just fine.  
Actually, there is this one girl in my class that is aware of my sexuality. We have known each other since middle school, and out of the blue right before class I just told her “look Olga at this girl, i have a crush on her.” And that was that. She sometimes sends me gay-related memes and makes fun of other people for not knowing why I actually cut my nails so short- hope you understand. Olga is close with 2 girls in my class that are both bisexual, just like pretty much anyone else in my town that doesn’t identity as straight. But then again, people think i’m straight too.  
I want Olga to know that I kissed 2 girls this summer. I want her to see how happy I am.  
I also want to tell Olga that me and this girl talk, I would need relationship advice. I honestly don’t know who to ask things like this.  
Olga and Lola are close and I feel like I don’t fit in well with them when they talk. I think Lola is in a long distance relationship and didn’t tell me. I have a feeling maybe everyone knows I am gay and spares me when it comes to straight people drama.

14th of September   
Rachel came over to do my makeup. I looked like a cool hooker. Her cousin came with us and she is a very wild child. By that I mean she is the most usual teenager I know, since she always gets herself in drama. I wish she knew her real worth, yet she is spending time with these people that don’t even treat her the right way. I hope she will be alright.  
The concert last night was actually really dope, we stood there until 4am.  
I didn’t drink but sadly I talked like a weird ass drunkie when my mom came to pick us up.  
I used to drink alcohol- never so much that I would puke my brains out- but I am actually just bored of it. And I don’t feel like spending money on something that will make me less hydrated and cause more acne than I already have. So simply, it is a no from me. What my addiction is lately is orange juice. One day I just felt like drinking orange juice and I haven’t stopped ever since. Sadly, the orange juice vending machine didn’t work and I seriously wanted to make a scene out of it.  
I met with one of my classmates in primary school and he is a lot of fun. I also met a guy and his tattoos are so cool I wanted to ask him more about them but I don’t know how because I have a feeling anything I would say would sound like flirting.  
That being said, I am excited for the next concerts.


	3. SEPTEMBER (3/4)

17th of September  
Most of my classmates seem DEAD. The music festival got a lot of people tired, but it was not the case for me, I feel refreshed. This morning while I was still at the party a guy I know came to me and he started to play with my hair, and I could tell he is somehow trying to flirt. I felt so uncomfortable I kept looking around hoping someone would save me. Then his friend came and said he is gay, I managed to tell him I’m gay too and not interested in our common friend. It’s the first time I come out to a stranger in my own country.  
I live in a homophobic country and I am very much closeted. The only people that know I am not straight are my classmate Olga, and 3 other friends that I don’t hang out much with but we have a group chat where we always talk.  
Diary, I know my writing style is incredible messy, but I just write and write to let my thoughts out and it’s all coming too much at once. Sometimes I talk about my day, sometimes I vent, but I am sure you must understand.

One of the guy I get along with in my class is lgbt friendly and while I was sitting next to him in class, he opened his notebook and on the very first page someone wrote “YOU ARE A HOMOSEXUAL”. It’s weird because I don’t think I saw anyone go trough his stuff and it was a new notebook. It saddens me that you would actually bully someone for anything like this, especially that people know he does have a girlfriend, he just has common sense.

We are also getting ready for an exchange in Belgium, and the people coming with me are boring nerds whose jokes I do not get and they don’t seem to get mine. I already have a playlist ready for my trip and I just HOPE that they will leave me alone.

18th of September  
Today I had my second class of dancing because we need to have an artistic moment during our youth exchange. I don’t know how, but I ended up paired with the only guy. My life is laughing in my face, but when I think about it I don’t think any girls in my group would be really my type if they weren’t straight. My group is not as a whole really amazing, those people don’t get my jokes at all. I just hope we won’t have to spend much time together while in Belgium and I will get to meet a lot of new other people. I am slowly reconnecting with one of my old classmates- the one I met at the concerts last week. I would not really consider having an active social life this last year of high school but I somehow ended up signing for volunteering with Rachel for a story-telling festival, and that will take 2 more of my weekends. It’s cool cause I get to skip school next Friday, when 2 albums get released by my favorite artists. Other than that I don’t know what else to say about today. No venting this time.

19th of September  
I watched Mean Girls for the first time today and I have to say I did not really like it. Mainly because the lesbian character had such a cool development and ended up dating a boy. That really pissed me off. Other than that, school is already a pain in the ass but I have my youth exchange in 2 weeks so that should be fun. My dad is back home today, it was just me and mom for the last 3-4 days. I guess for now I will just keep studying, after I finally get my eyes off my phone.

20th of September  
I was a smart kid so I started school one year earlier than I was supposed to. It does have benefits but everyone around me has a driving license by now and it actually really drives me nuts. I am currently watching a movie, and getting emotionally ready for the weekend. Today I just don’t feel like writing.

21st of September  
I feel a bit uneasy by how homophobic people can be. I don’t have any friends in my city that are gay, so I can’t exactly confess my feelings to anyone, expect my followers on twitter. Don’t get me wrong, i’m not internet famous or anything, i have about 90 followers or so, but they seem to read my tweets. I guess you could can tell “active followers”. For instance, this lady is so triggered by a rainbow on a wall right now that she actually wants to buy white paint to cover it up. How sad can you be to get so closed-minded and homophobic- mind you the rainbow wasn’t there for pride/gay whatsoever reasons anyways!!  
So I think it’s a bit hilarious how people can like you for you without them being aware of your sexuality, which just makes them stupid if they start hating on you only after you have come out to them.  
I was supposed to get drunk today with a friend because he is home alone but his grandma was just decided to stay at his house. Later on he went to other party, invited me, but I declined since it was 9pm or so and was watching the voice with my mother in pajamas.

22st of September  
My parents had a fight and I told Rachel I would be late to meet her and Annie when actually I am the first that got here. It’s a bit cold and I am wearing a show-white dress (dont ask). I could go to the liquor store right now and grab myself some alcohol because half of me feels the need to drink right now, but I will stay sober because I know I can’t add any more pressure on my parents. I kind of hope it rains so we can just chill in a cafe or something.

23rd of September   
My mom is actually super salty with my dad on purpose. I always told myself that in case my parents were to be in an argument, I would never pick sides because I need them both equally. That and also the fact that I usually agree with neither.  
I could never see myself in a relationship where gender roles are so relevant. Sometimes I think maybe that’s one of the reasons I am attracted to girls in the first place, rather than boys as straight cisgender girls are.   
I watched a gay movie and one more time I reminded myself that I am still not out of the closet. I told myself I would tell my parents once I had a girlfriend, but after being in a relationship with a person of the same sex I still didn’t come out. It’s been one month since I last kissed a girl, but of course they don’t know about that. She was physically very much my type and even though we didn’t get to kiss a lot her lips felt as if all the other people I kissed before are worth of nothing. That is maybe because I kissed more guys than girls at this point in my life, but that will change, because now I am completely fine with my sexuality and no longer have to pretend I am something else, at least in my own little closet.   
Right now I don’t feel like I have any feelings towards someone, but my trip to Belgium is getting very close and after stalking the people coming in this youth exchange, I came across a few profiles on facebook of girls that are very pretty.   
I miss being in a gay-friendly country so much, maybe one of the reasons why I love traveling so much is just to escape from this incredibly sad bubble that I live in.  
I hate to say that I casually “hook-up” with girls, I feel like they need to invent a new term. By hook-up I also don’t mean sex, I’m a virgin, I simply mean making out with girls when and where I can. For me it’s strange that I got to that point in life when people my age have sex and it’s seen as something “pretty normal”. I never really thought of an appropriate age that people would consider for losing your virginity. I guess once you’re 18 it would be okay? I honestly don’t know. It depends on your beliefs. My point of view is that it shouldn’t matter that much what age you do it if you give consent and are at least educated and mature enough to know what is going on.


	4. SEPTEMBER (4/4)

24th of September  
Today I was on TV with Annie and Rachel watched us later on and said the interview came out great. I messed up the outro, but it still came out just decent. I wore my gay sweater and it really made me feel super confident in myself. Diary, I know I talk about my sexuality a lot but I am closeted and desperately need to tell someone about this. I really hope you understand. Next week I’m going in Belgium and I can’t wait to be in a gay country again.

25th of September  
I absolutely hate dancing classes. I don’t like the dance and I don’t like the bitch seating next to me. I tried to hit her multiple times with my elbows but the bitch just keeps telling me to move to the left so she has more space to dance. Fucking queen of CLICHÉS.  
If I manage to finish all my math homework today, I will watch a movie. I download movies on my laptop while I am at school so I don’t have the unpleasant surprise of looking at a screen while it’s loading. Fucking hate that.

26th of September  
I just found out that one of my favorite teachers has the last phase of cancer. It’s weird because we texted each other last week and she said she will be right back soon for classes. I sure hope so, she is one of the only models I have in life, since I also want to become a teacher and she really has her shit together. But I am sure she is in good hands. 

27th of September  
My math test went alright, I’m so glad I didn’t just stare at the paper the entire class like I would usually do when it comes to science tests. Olga talked about what she did on the test and dear gay lord, she messed up so many things, I hope our grades are slightly different so I can tell her to stop bragging about how good her grades are. Honestly, my grades are not bad either at most subjects, but science I just barely get done.  
I didn’t know I had to help the volunteers today, I felt really bad about it for the entire night. Oh yea I also watched RoboCop today I loved it!!

28th of September  
I woke up at 7:07am so I can listen to Logic’s new album, which was sooo dope. I forgot to listen to one song and my schedule has been hectic.  
I traveled with the volunteering squad and I translated stories at the festival. The second show came out so great, Rachel and Annie really seemed proud of me and my evolution. It really was a great night. 

29th of September  
My mom spent the entire day with me and the festival team and I am so glad she enjoyed herself. We had great food, the kids were amazing, my translation was awesome. I really click with the guy that I translate for and I am pretty sure he is gay- but I would never ask and he would most likely never tell, since he is in a homophobic country. He really is not stupid.  
He told me what movies to watch and me being me thought I could just remember them without writing them down, but I will ask again or something.

30th of September  
I SLEPT LIKE SHIT.  
AND HONESTLY, I FEEL LIKE SHIT.  
I was about to have an amazing performance but, guess what? Annie told me some homophobic stuff, and it sucks being in the closet. I was on stage and ALMOST CRIED. My family assumed I was nervous, but NO IT WAS NOT THE CASE I AM A BAD BITCH. Others said I did just great and that I worry too much, and honestly, maybe I did, but it still bothered me endlessly. My dad said Annie is a stupid brain-washed person. I agree. I don’t know if I will talk to her after this.


	5. OCTOBER (1/4)

1st of October   
I was still very pissed at Annie, matter of fact didn’t even talk to her. My teacher forgot we had private classes and I showed up at her house like an idiot. 

2nd of October   
Last day of school this week for me.-thanks gay lord. So many homophobic people around everyone I want to somehow stab them, or stab myself.   
I was very busy today overall, I talked to Annie, but only because she complimented me on my shoes.

3rd of October  
I’m on the airplane right now, this guy took my spot at the window, but I was like “fine have it” since he seemed scared of airplanes. My math teacher is checking our tests basically one meter away from me, she is the only person in this plane that has her light turned on. I would sleep but honestly I can’t even do it. 

4th of October   
I literally ate so much today, but I am not even complaining. Funny thing a girl in my group said “OMG curly hair” and when i looked around i expected to see a dog but instead i later found out she was talking about a guy. I swear, my gayness is unbelievable. The only thing that tops that is how good I am at hiding it. Did you know sexuality is the most hidden thing amongst people? Glad to know i’m not the only one with this problem.

5th of October   
Today everything went by so slowly. I really hate when people are not able to organize stuff properly. I saw a girl with “the word has bigger problems than boys kissing boys and girls kissing girls” and i don’t know if she is gay or just a supporter. I haven’t kissed anyone in 7 weeks ughh.   
But anyways Belgium overall is a nice country, I will come back but not immediately.

6th of October   
I drank with my teachers today and they told us drunk stories, too bad I couldn’t share mine since I am young and supposed not to have any. I didn’t get drunk but damn I did get tired. Days like this make me really happy, because I get to zone out in a different way. Back home homophobes are voting against gay marriage, but I honestly never cared since i was never accepted in my country for multiple reasons anyways.  
I still didn’t make any friends in Belgium.  
We passed by a gay bar and stupid me said that out loud. I was excited and mid-sentence I realized I am closeted and it came out so wrong....  
and guess what the straights said???  
“wow i’ll tell them i am a guy so i get in”- a girl  
“wow guess i have to go bi”-ANOTHER GIRL,LOL!!  
Straights should be banned from gay bars. thanks gay lord they didn’t walk into the bar.

7th of October   
Today I watched my first handball game, it was quite entertaining. Too bad the team I was hoping to win lost.  
I had a great salad in France and bought a “Back to the future” poster, since I love the 80s so much. I really hope I get to see the movie soon, even if i’ve been very busy lately.


	6. OCTOBER (2/4)

8th of October   
Today it was very cold, but I finally managed to talk to more than 2 people in the youth exchange. It’s just very sad that not a lot of people here speak English.  
I went to a bar and this gay guy showed up and flirted with one of my friends a lot, and it was a bit disturbing since he has a girlfriend. I stalked her on social media and sadly she really looks like that girl that doesn’t realize she’s dating a gay. The whole situation was messed up, I am glad I was the only sober person at that table. (insert tea that’s too much for me).

9th of October   
Today I got high for the first time in Brussels. Literally, the weed smell got me a bit dizzy, that is not how I thought I would encounter weed for the first time- I always thought i’d eat a space brownie by accident, to be fair. I ate waffles and later on got a bit tipsy with some of the girls in my delegation. The fact that they kept a beer for me left me in awe, usually people assume I don’t drink.

10th of October   
I left Belgium today and had to tell a friend I made here that his crush is the piece of shit I met Monday night at the bar and was flirting with the boy that has a girlfriend. It may have been a shitty move for me to interfere, but I had to do it. Traveling was okay as usual, but leaving a gay-is-okay country is so hard for me.

11th of October   
Honestly, today I just slept, it’s the last day I don’t get to go to school, it’s sad I actually have to go back.

12th of October   
I thought my classmate died in class. He literally smashed his head against a wall while falling from his chair. That shit was very disturbing to watch.  
I also went to Rachel’s birthday party and I sadly don’t think people enjoyed themselves too much, but we had great food.  
I also wrote her a card in rainbow colors, just to start giving hints by now that I am gay.

13th of October   
I spent the day indoors and actually really enjoyed catching up with school work and TV-series. If only days like this were longer.  
A guy slid into my DMs and I am not quite sure why. 

14th of October   
This has been a chill day as well, I am so used to having days like this. I am not too proud of procrastinating so much, but everything will be okay.


	7. OCTOBER (3/4)

15th of Octomber  
I cheated on my math test today because I am just desperate for grades and I feel very guilty about it. I don’t think my teacher will notice when she will see my test, but I am still very not proud.

16th of October   
This must have been a really bad day because I had Physics and one of my friends is simply ignoring me. I know they may not want to talk but that’s no reason for you to act this way towards me. 

17th of October   
I am so glad I didn’t have much to do today and I watched Back to the future while eating pizza at home alone.   
My friend asked me how my parents take it that I am gay, and honestly straight people are hilarious to assume we literally come out to everyone when we come out.

18th of October   
Today the classes seem endless and I will just watch skam. I should study more but I feel very tired.   
I guess I do feel a bit out of place at my school from time to time, but I am never alone in a situation and I can count on someone if I really needed to.

19th of October   
I am pretty sure I fell apart with one of my internet friends. I don’t know what happened, I was given the cold shoulder the entire week from them so I will call things off and not bother that person anymore.  
I finally saw my English teacher after literally 2 weeks, and we talked in class about movies, and fairly, I was surprised that people do not watch movies as much as I do.I guess that’s because i’m into arts, too.

20th of October   
I try to make new internet friends, while at the same time I don’t want to go out with the ones I already have in my town. I will never know why, I just feel like I click with people more from other countries. I could say I literally have high expectations from a person I met 2 days ago online, I just see a bonding between us, and if I were straight, I may have even fallen for him. 

21th of October   
Today I watched A star is born with my parents, and my dad’s remarks made me rethink the entire movie, so I don’t actually know if I liked it or not. Oh well.


	8. OCTOBER (4/4)

22th of October   
Today I finished my painting of “blue slide park” and I got to chill a lot since I was home alone during pretty much the entire day.

23th of October   
I must have spent at least one hour on Tumblr today looking at memes after my classes in school literally killed me. I don’t feel any shame tho.

24th of October   
I am at that point where I feel the amount of procrastination is overwhelming and yet I don’t do anything about it. I wish I were more productive. I have a test tomorrow but the chapter is not hard, so i should do just fine.

25th of October  
I don’t know why, but today must have been a really long day for me, I could barely keep my eyes open in classes. I am just waiting for the next skam episodes to come so i can binge watch them. 

26th of October   
I went to a party today and it pretty much blew. I drank until I got tipsy but I can’t really enjoy drunkenness unless i’m with cool people, and that is not the case for me. I called my mom after a few hours that I want to go home, and thanks gay lord i shut up during the entire way home cause otherwise I would have told her I am gay or something.

27th of October   
Today is just me and mom at home, so I did my endless homework that took me a lot of time. I am so glad I managed to finish it, it was literally endless.

28th of October   
I think I care way too much about how other people perceive me, and it’s driving me nuts. I keep saying beautiful girls and I can’t help but blame my genes for not being like them. I have bad acne and wear glasses and as horrible as it sounds I take pride in my glasses because at least they hide a bit of my face.   
I guess I will have to wait for a miracle.


	9. NOVEMBER (1/4)

29th of October   
School was a bore today. This week we only have “special activities”, but honestly I feel very uncomfortable sitting around my classmates when we are not in actual classes. I guess it is because I feel as if they always have something bad to say about me, or I am never enough. I don’t really know how to explain it.   
I went to KFC with some of my friends that I have not seen in a long time, they don’t go to my school. I consider them my closest friends but we don’t hang out that much. I usually whatsapp them when I feel down. Honestly, it’s a bit of a tension between us ever since we got drunk together on my birthday, but that’s another story for another time.

30th of Octomber  
My mom let me skip school today, but I still had my foreign languages tutoring in the afternoon. I completed my homework unlike the rest of my group, and I hate them for dissing me for doing it. Even Olga has a problem with me doing my homework everytime, I know she’s just jealous.

31th of October   
Today I packed for my trip in the netherlands. Also, honestly, I watched movies and my brain feels so full of information and inspired. I managed to finish the book “the house of the spirits” and it was a great book. 

1st of November   
Today I pretty much travelled all day, seriously nothing happened.

2nd of November   
WOW the university open day began today, and I feel very happy about that. It was also my mom’s birthday, and we walked around the city where I want to move. I was a bunch of couples hiding in the dark so they kiss and it was nice, one day I shall bring a girl there. 

3rd of November   
Today it was the second day of the open days of the university, and I got to meet one of the girls that will be in her third year when i will be in my first year. I guess it was a nice day, I also did some shopping. What I love about the netherlands is that it’s very gay-okay, the contrast between where I live now and the netherlands is unimaginable. 

4th of November   
It was my sister’s birthday today, so we went to the beach and visited a new city. I did some food shopping today, since I can’t find hummus in my county. Then we hit the road back home.


	10. NOVEMBER (2/4)

5th of November   
Today was a bit awkward, because my dad had some bussiness to do in Germany and I had to use my kaputt german. I can understand a lot of German but when it comes to talking I feel as if nothing comes out of my mouth. I am just glad they didn’t make me talk to the son of this business man, because he is my age and I feel like every time I’m around boys my parents would expect me to act in a certain way.

6th of November  
Today I found a lot of photos of fetus me, and I have to say, I did glo up but it would’ve been better for me if I wouldn’t be a teenager dealing with acne. I watched Minority Report today and all I can say is that I couldn’t focus on anything during the entire day. Even though I am not the biggest fan of Tom Cruise, his roles in this movie, Rainman, and Risky Business are his best.   
I need to catch up with maths and the thought of me having to open that notebook makes me really nervous.

7th of November   
I have a Physics test tomorrow but of course I am procrastinating like hell, I am too nervous to even look at those numbers again and again.   
Ariana Grande released a new music video, I am in awe. I like Ariana Grande because it reminds me of childhood, she is pretty and savage, and her pop music doesn’t make me want to stab myself in the eye.   
Honestly I have so many memes saved on my phone from today it’s not even funny at this point anymore.

8th of November   
Today I went to school and everything went by so slowly I didn’t know how to get out of there. I am just glad it ended.  
Also, Olga is driving me nuts. I honestly don’t understand her weird habits. She gets mad at things for no reason, she’s different around other people, and she looks like Lola’s puppy all the time it’s getting more ridiculous. I guess my best friend in my class would still be Rachel, even though I know her and Annie are homophobic.

9th of November   
I received a very nice message today from someone that lives abroad, saying they’re excited for me moving to the netherlands and getting to be my true self, and honestly, I feel so honored to have people like this in my life.  
Today I went to get a photo for my new ID-card, and honest to gay lord, they didn’t even let me see it, so if I end up looking like trash, it will just motivate me more to get my driving license as soon as possible and use that as a way to show people my identity.

10th of November   
I went to school today for an exam simulation, and Rachel gave me a cupcake while we were there, that was sooo nice of her. We later met someone from our volunteering team- the crazy bitch covering rainbows with white paint cause she’s homophobic- so we can get princess costumes- don’t ask.   
Rachel told me about her other friends, and no offense, I feel like this girl deserves less drama, but that’s none of my business.

11th of November   
Yes I went to a kids party today dressed as a princess don’t judge me. The kid celebrated but have been around one years old, but I swear I could never be a mom. I grabbed him and the second I did so he just him himself in the head multiple times, he was probably malfunctioning or something. I am honestly just happy all my makeup got washed, i used a lot of glitter.


	11. NOVEMBER (3/4)

12th of November   
I am procrastinating again, but I can’t say I really have a lot of things to do this week so everything is chill. School is very basic and nothing really happens.

13th of November   
Today was a boring day as well, I guess that I will never really get rid of my mundane routine. Tuesday’s actually usually just really get me tired, I honestly wish I weren’t so done after one day like this. 

14th of November   
Let’s talk about my appreciation for Chrissy Constanza. I honestly want to dye my hair as she has it, and I would also maybe consider wearing the clothes she does but she’s way shorter than me and man, it just doesn’t look good. 

15th of November   
I am already hyped for this weekend, I got a list of cool movies ready and I am going to binge watch them. I don’t think I hung out with anyone lately, but I like my time alone. 

16th of November   
Today I had my database exam, I passed it with 80% and honestly, I am proud of myself since it was a resit. I got home and I was very tired, I watched an episode of How to get away with Murder and then fell asleep. I also watched The Voice with my mom later on today. 

17th of November   
Today I had my photo shoot for my senior year photo book. I sure hope the photos turned out alright, I got my makeup done and tried to look as decent as possible.  
What’s so funny about today is that my mom more or less helped a guy lit his cigarette, the poor guy had no lighter with him. The photographers were a nice couple, but when I looked them up online they were obviously homophobic people, and that actually made me a bit sad.

18th of November   
Today I cleaned my room and honestly everything after was just a process of procrastinating for hours while looking on new posts on tumblr. I don’t usually like it when I do this, but maybe it does help from time to time to chill.


	12. NOVEMBER (4/4)

19th of November   
Today was an awesome day simply because everything feels right in my life for once, I so do have my shit together. I look back 5 years ago and everything seemed to fall apart from my life, I was not happy where I am going, not happy with who I were.But now I feel like I can breathe normally again and I am so proud of myself.

20th of November   
Today I had to walk in town and it was pouring rain, my glasses got all damp in less than a few minutes, and honestly I ended up wandering in my own town not having any clue what is the right way where to go. I finally found my mother and she took me home. 

21th of November   
Today I had an important paper, I think I did pretty well but I didn’t really have time to finish all of it. I tend to gaze out a lot, but other than that it was fine.   
I procrastinate a lot since tomorrow I have a math test and I absolutely know that I won’t solve shit. 

22th of November   
DEAR GAY LORD WAS I RIGHT!!!! The math test was simply awful, I honestly can’t believe someone can even go to class SO unprepared, I am a bit ashamed of myself but at the same time I did so well in P.E. today that all my classmates were so shocked I managed to even hit the ball, and more, score for our team!! Sometimes miracles exist.  
On top of that, I forgot my phone today and I felt so out of place not managing to check my phone, literally during breaks sometimes you have nothing to do AND HAVE to scare at a screen so it gets less weird. 

23th of November   
TODAY IS VERY IMPORTANT BECAUSE DEAR FUCKING DIARY I APPLIED TO UNI AND I AM SO PROUD OF MYSELF FOR GETTING PAST THIS MILESTONE. I applied for Arts obviously, but I also have back-up plans to study English and Design. I had to write a CV today and damn, that actually takes a while so guys, make sure you have a CV in your laptop at all times, I mean it. Obviously I am relieved and I will wait for my response in stress.

24th of November   
Wow okay today I actually did a bit of my homework, I have tests coming up and don’t want to let my grades really show my zero interest in studying at the moment. Don’t get me wrong, I am so happy with where I am in life right now, but at the same time I feel like my happiness is fragile. 

25th of November   
Can you believe!! One month of waiting and then it’s Christmas! I haven’t done much today obviously, I looked tru memes and then I studied for Biology since it’s what I have to take as a final exam. I am really NOT into sciences but I do have to pick one, so I guess there’s that.


	13. DECEMBER (1/5)

26th of November  
My application procedure is complete, and I actually got into Industrial Design Uni already, but obviously I am not going. I am glad I got into an university so quick, but I just don’t find myself studying that 100%. School is a bore lately, because classes seem endless and I find myself realizing that I use a lot of my phone battery while in school. I can listen to music of course when I am not at school to avoid certain people but at this point I no longer care. 

27th of November  
Today I can’t say many things happened, but the stress is overwhelming. I know it doesn’t make sense, but I feel like in school we do nothing and then when I get home I am supposed to suddenly teach myself all the subjects we are not doing in school. I think this week I procrastinate less than the week before, so at least there’s that. 

28th of November  
My dear mother let me skip school today so as you can guess I listened to Mac Miller than I did my homework. It is actually so refreshing to study in the morning rather than in the evening. We had guests over and they obviously asked me when I’m getting a boyfriend, and I have been asked this question so many times by now it is getting really annoying. Seriously, I don’t think I could ever come out to EVERYONE I know because everyone is just so annoying !!!!

29th of November  
Today I got into English Uni as well, they called my mom and I told them the number was wrong that was a bit odd but I got in to all universities I applied to except for the one that I actually want!! But life laughs in my face like nobody else so I stopped bothering. The math semester paper today was actually not that bad, I solved some things on it and I was pleasantly surprised to know I will get a passing grade.  
Tomorrow is the weekend so you know what that means!! I will watch TV with my mom obviously, what else?? 

30th of November  
Today I hung out with Rachel at her place and Annie joined as well. Lola couldn’t make it, and by the way, I was right about her! She was in a long distance relationship with this dude that apparently may have cheated on her. It’s her first relationship and I am glad she took it so well, she actually is a bad bitch. Annie knows who has me for secret santa and she told them what I want for Christmas (which is an eyeshadow palette), and then I ate a lot. I must have eaten like 7-8 times today, I am so full! I downloaded GTA and I am ready to get back in the gaming world while listening to music loudly. 

1st of December  
You know what actually gaming is too hard I am too gay for that shit. I tried to produce music today, sadly I don’t think I can carry on producing unless I get for Christmas a keyboard. I did ask for one now we shall wait and see if my mom does buy me one. I want to form a band at some point in my life, I think it would be really cool to just chill with a bunch of people I love and share interests with just creating the right songs. 

2nd of December  
A new procrastinating queen has risen! I am at the end of the day and I already can’t remember what on earth I did today! Oh right, I read and finished the first book in the crossfire series, MAN WAS THAT SHIT CRINGY


	14. DECEMBER (2/5)

3rd of December  
It is actually quite hard to get back to your usual routine once you stay indoors for such a long weekend. I fear next weekend, it’s full of tests and this week is literally way easier. I got my math test back and as I thought, I got a low grade. It doesn’t matter, I pass this class anyways, but that’s because I managed to cheat on that test a while back. I am not in any way proud of myself but I did what had to be done. 

4th of December  
Honestly, for a Tuesday, school was alright. I had weird dreams, but lately I am stressed so I don’t bother with it anymore. I had no tutoring today so I managed to work a bit on my English homework. 

5th of December  
Diary, did I meet someone special.  
All people I met online and somehow shaped my existence, I met tru tumblr. So I feel the need to talk about a person close my heart now. I call him Bertie and Bertie and I have long talks, we share feelings and our emotions and I am there for him and he is there for me. I know we were meant to meet each other. And I know this friendship that will not change its course is what I needed at the end of this year.  
Diary, I’ve been blessed.

6th of December  
I just don’t understand HOW THE FUCK can Olga have so many episodes of anger. I am somehow worried that she got herself into a weird situation and maybe she doesn’t know how to get out, but she is indeed stressing me as well. 

7th of December  
Today was just a day where I sat down and looked at all the photos I had on my laptop. I can’t tell if i really do miss my younger years in high school because I mostly dealt with rejection and bad grades, but I definitely had some good times as well.  
But actually hold on.  
Today I had my psych evaluation for driving school and I swear to gay lord, this was one of the weirdest experiences in my life. Because, let me tell you this. First, I just got an easy but long test but the lady there kept talking on the phone about someone dying and I wasn’t sure whether it was part of the test or not. My driving teacher is the funniest lad I ever encountered. 

8th of December  
Rachel keeps telling me that I should join her and Annie in the spring for a school trip, which we both know it’s not going to happen. I don’t think I could go because of my sexuality, I don’t feel safe in countries where LGBT rights are not a thing, which is the reason I feel like moving in the netherlands so much. I know my country is not LGBT friendly either but I know I can change my place of living so it hurts less.  
Oh right and I went to the mall today as well to buy a birthday gift for one of the girls in my group of friends out of school, and all I can say is that my friends are so petty and I know that they don’t like me that much anymore.

9th of December  
I think if you read my diary you already know by now that I barely get anything done during the weekends, which is the case for today as well. I need to study because I have a lot of upcoming tests the next week but I think I will manage them.


	15. DECEMBER (3/5)

10th of December  
I have a Physics test tomorrow and I know it will kill me that I will not be able to study enough, I feel like physics is overall the hardest subject that I ever encountered in high school. I have passing grades so I don’t there there really is that much of an issue how much I will get, but my grades can easily slip also. 

11th of December  
Okay beside getting our scholarship today, it was literally a bad day. I don’t want to talk about it. I made jokes today and Olga really laughed at them.

12th of December  
Today I had my Biology semesterial paper, and literally I was done with it in like 20 minutes because I didn’t know what else to write. I think that is still a win situation for me.

13th of December  
I got into university today. I checked my email and just when i thought I received another spam mail, there is was, my acceptance mail. I feel blessed all over and so grateful. 

14th of December  
Today was secret santa in school and I am glad I actually got a nice present, I really wanted makeup and I got it. I was secret santa for Annie, and as much as I have been ignoring her, it was nice to make someone happy. 

15th of December  
I had to accompany my parents at a party today and it was hell because we did a lot of walking and I had to sit at the table with old friends just telling me how they have their shit together unlike me. 

16th of December  
Today I must have had about 7 tantrums, no joke. My friends went out because we had a birthday girl in our group and all they did was sort of diss me behind my back, and I know that as much as i messed up things with my friends, i still do care.


	16. DECEMBER (4/5)

17th of December   
There are certain people at my school that really stare at me for no actual reason and it annoys me so much. I wore my oversized hoodie today and if anyone even dares to tell me what I should or shouldn’t do they are simply negativistic.

18th of December   
Today I didn’t get much done since we get break this weekend and I no longer have to study. I seriously just chilled.

19th of December   
Today I ate pizza at school and it was pretty much the highlight of the day. Again, I really didn’t get anything done. Waiting for break is getting really exciting tho.

20th of December   
My mom yelled at me today and I feel really sorry for making her feel as if I don’t do what I am supposed to do. On the other hand, I got tickets to see Ariana Grande in Amsterdam so that is very exciting!!

21st of December   
I worked very hard on my English paper today and I have to say, it turns out pretty. It’s a lot of work but I think I’ll manage.

22nd of December   
Today I just cleaned and organized my makeup. I am officially in a break mood.

23rd of December   
Today I finished the Harry Potter series for the first time in my life!!


	17. DECEMBER (4/5)

24th-26th of December   
It is very nice to just spend time with your family around Christmas. I mainly want to focus on things outside this journal, especially during this break. I don’t know. I want to write more often but words can seem to be so far away from me to reach.

27th of December   
I went out today to see Aquaman and my friends really acted as if we were in our best times, when our friendship really peaked. I did things to upset them and I know I will not manage to pay back for my mistakes, but them not understand is also misleading me in so many ways.

28th of December  
I am home alone and as many will guess, I do spend it blasting my music loud. I do not understand how come my neighbors never called the cops on me so far, but I am in no way complaining. 

29th of December   
I went to the store today to buy just a bit of what we will need for the party I am hosting for the New Year’s eve, other than that i just enjoyed more of my free time while being on break. 

30th of December   
My parents are back so I just spend more time with them. I slowly wait for the year to be over, but i can’t say this was in any way a bad year.


End file.
